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The Topic of the Day is: Thursday, February 03, 2005 | |
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So, what is the news these days in MY life?
Not much. Not much of anything. Not writing enough, not studying enough, not doing enough of anything; not caring. It's hard to care. Family is currently such BULLSHIT that it hurts to even think about it. Let it suffice to say that it involves finances, taxes, and who gets to claim me--which puts ME right smack in the middle of things. Too much sadness, too much pain. I'm sick of it. I try to ignore it but it is always there, hanging over me and... hurting me. It makes my writing go darker and deeper. What happened to the Light? Where did that brilliance go? Where? Where? Where? Where? Where? I used to be so blissful--full of joy, and I always told myself it was a conscious choice--to take what I was given and go with it. I'm having a hard time doing that with this current situation. But now as I sit here and look at it, I have not yet TRIED to look on the bright side for this situation. Not yet. Hmmm... What am I still happy about? I have friends, many of them, for the first time in.......... in a long while. People who will approach me first (as opposed to vice versa) which really proves that they have an interest in me. I have a GREAT job. The lab is awesome and there's so much good work to do. It's going somewhere; it's happening. Classes are good, though I can't say I'm excessively happy about them. Physics depends on math that I don't know too much, so it frustrates me--math would be less frustrating if I did practice problems and understood what was going on. Physics is really getting on my nerves. I'm scared to change my major. I keep telling myself that this is what I want, what I love--but what I really, really love is writing. And yes, I like knowing about things, the how and the why, my two burning questions... but .... what is physics doing to me? I love it when things click and I can go 'Ooooh! so THAT's why this happens. Because of this this this.' But right now all I'm getting is equation, equation, equation. We spend so much time speaking in equations, and my integrating and derivative skills are smooshy, so every five minutes when we take an integral I feel sick to my stomach with incomprehension. I don't know where anything comes from or what we're doing. In short, I feel very insecure about the quantity of knowledge that I contain. I want everything to go slower; I want time to have every detail explained to me, every connection reiterated. I want to make sure everything clicks loudly into place, and that is not happening. Things go swooooooosh by and a day or two later I don't even remember where they came from. So what do I do? Back out, drop physics, take an English Major and stick with what I'm good at? I AM good at spanish and english... not Spanish so much but I can still analyze things, follow bits and pieces of thoughts into a coherent whole, and debate. My heart, or my dream? Do I follow my skills or my weaknesses? What do I do? I want to be an expert, but in physics and math I'm mediocre and average. I can understand quickly but I'm no Dan Chung, no Peter Timbie, no ... what was the name of that uber smart kid in my high school physics class? Whatever. I'm NOT them, not yet. I don't have the brains to make all those connections and KNOW and skip about and COMPREHEND... not yet. I want to be an expert in something, I think because I like the attention it gives me. Speaking well in Spanish, analyzing English, writing--I'm good at these. Very good. And if I study them and get even better--wowza. I would be a super star. There I go again, craving attention. I'm sick of it! I'm sick of this need in me for glory and fame and the adulation of others. I need to be superior. Always. That's my nature--dominant and powerful. I think I want that power because I don't have any sort of power. I have no control over people. I want to be (like Skyra says) a martyr--I want to suffer so that others will adore me. I want their unconditional love, their puppydog worship. I want to rule! I want to be like Tasiha... and I want to BE like Tasiha is, not just in her position and my pathetic self. Anyone but me. Why? Why do I want that? Why do I want to be anyone but myself? What makes me want more and more... adulation, worship, support, love, fame, glamor, eternity... someone to come up to me in the street and say 'You're that author!' or 'that scientist!' Why? why? why? |
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My Other Writing Sites | |
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Webcomics | |
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Stories I'm currently working on. | |
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***Tbook1 (Time and Chaos, needs a new name, needs to be edited) ***Book of Sun (Just needs to be edited. Tis a Nano novel) ***Book of Whispers part 1 (Does not jive at all with part 2; needs to be rewritten to fit and to have less suckage) ***Book of Whispers part 2 (Needs some rehaul editing, needs some loose ends tied up, needs to fit) ***Book of Whispers part 3 (Needs to be finished... then needs to die o.o Not sure if I need a third part in the series) ***Dium's Story (Needs a point, progress, anything... needs to be integrated into Tbook1, since that is what it is a part of, mainly) ***Trio Story with Jackie and Louise (Maybe we should get together and work on this, guys) ***Demon Story (This is working out pretty good so far. I like the plot, it's a bit convoluted, and the characters are interesting) ***New Witch Story (It's only 30 pages long, dang) ***Dragon's Voices (This has SO much potential! wee!) | |
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