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The Topic of the Day is: Friday, December 09, 2005 | |
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Gaaaaaaaah... I feel like such a prick. -.- and I'm disappointed in myself too. So there is this gent at work (a prof, I think, but I'm not sure) who has a marked limp. He's kind of been friendly at me (not in any creepy way, just in general) but he has a very interesting accent (I think he's from turkey??) and I have a hard time understanding EVERYONE so accents make me a little... withdrawn. So he comes in and asks for help with something that I can't understand and I say 'I don't know if I can,' because I'm not entirely sure of what he wants. Long story short I end up helping him anyway and all he needed was for someone to help him reassemble a pen. So apparently (I think) he probably had a stroke in the past and that led to his inability to use one side of his body. But I feel so badly; first because I semi-rejected to help him with something so simple, but also secondly because I said the words 'I don't know if I can.' I feel... kind of like I've betrayed myself. I'm supposed to be the quintessential woman--self sufficient and totally kickass--and here I am thinking that I am incapable of doing something. Where the HELL did my self confidence go? Actually come to think of it, self-confidence is the one thing I've almost always lacked, even since I was a child. I am better now than I was then (I used to cry. A lot. I mean... at conferences, when people had nothing to do but PRAISE me and my grades, I would cry. It was just pressure and the insecurity of being talked about.) I am in more control of myself now of course but even here when in situations of pressure--speaking with someone I don't know very well who is further along than me and having them not understand me, for example (aka the first day of physics class last year -.-)--I cry. And it's so ridiculous. It's... it's a fear of not being good enough. And it's hard for me, in physics, because there are a lot of people who are better than me and that makes me feel like I am not good enough. Which is ridiculous Just because people are better than me at something doesn't mean I am not good at it. In fact the two are hardly related. But this lack of self-confidence has been preying on me for a while. Those who know me may scoff. I'm KMJ the outgoing! I babble and ask questions and chat and run around in circles and laugh out loud and yell at the top of my lungs when I feel like it and am not afraid to embarrass myself. I look confident. And I try to remind myself of these things when I feel less confident in myself. I try to remember all those things that I do well, that I am the best at. And then I realize that I'm not the best at anything, not even writing. So I get depressed. But I don't have to be the best. I just have to be. Right? maybe... and even when it comes to my stories, I am the only one who can tell my particular stories. Maybe they're not as good of stories as those that JRR Tolkein and CS Lewis and JK Rowling put out, but they are MY stories, and mine alone. Maybe they're lined with rites of passage and only a new way of saying what's already been said (well isn't everything? we all tell the same stories), but they are MY stories. Woo. I feel better now. Joy. Shoutout to Louise. Good luck hunting for batteries. |
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My Other Writing Sites | |
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Webcomics | |
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Stories I'm currently working on. | |
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***Tbook1 (Time and Chaos, needs a new name, needs to be edited) ***Book of Sun (Just needs to be edited. Tis a Nano novel) ***Book of Whispers part 1 (Does not jive at all with part 2; needs to be rewritten to fit and to have less suckage) ***Book of Whispers part 2 (Needs some rehaul editing, needs some loose ends tied up, needs to fit) ***Book of Whispers part 3 (Needs to be finished... then needs to die o.o Not sure if I need a third part in the series) ***Dium's Story (Needs a point, progress, anything... needs to be integrated into Tbook1, since that is what it is a part of, mainly) ***Trio Story with Jackie and Louise (Maybe we should get together and work on this, guys) ***Demon Story (This is working out pretty good so far. I like the plot, it's a bit convoluted, and the characters are interesting) ***New Witch Story (It's only 30 pages long, dang) ***Dragon's Voices (This has SO much potential! wee!) | |
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