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The Topic of the Day is: Monday, October 02, 2006 | |
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" [the words don't matter. it's the belief, the hope, the faith that comes from writing that will save us. whetstone]" I've stopped writing what I feel. I've stopped feeling, because I don't write any more. I've lost that hope, that faith, that belief... Where did it go? I chased fantasy down narrow market streets, sought something greater than the boundaries of this world in the place where the sky melted into the earth, found beauty in the art, in the crafting. There was a release, a sense of completion. Nothing made me feel more whole than writing. Where did it go? Why doesn't it fill me any more? There's always a sense of underlying urgency to my own petty mediocre daily work: homework, bah. studying, notes, classes, other useless busy work and time consuming crap. I like classes well enough, but having to think for them drains me of my creative energy--more than that, it drains me of my motivation. These lists and lists of things to do always have to be higher priority than writing, but writing screams out in the background, and every time I choose to 'plan for the future' and 'keep diligently pressing onwards' and 'do what I have to do to make chances later in life', a little piece of me breaks off and drifts away, snowflakes glittering in the dark. Part of me says that my writing has no purpose. It's true that when I start writing I often start from an image and have no plot. But look at the Tbooks: their plot evolved over years (and by now it's so horribly complicated that it is difficult for even me to make sense of it). And then I tried to make something with a plot, but just sitting there hammering on the details is not the same as writing. No, there's more than that... I wouldn't mind the thinking of it, if I had the energy to concentrate on it, to focus. Again, it is the classes--each needs me to draw all of my resources to rest on a point, a pin of an idea balanced carefully on its tip... they make me so narrow and so focused, and they draw so much of my resources to do so that I cannot spare time, thought, dedication to my writing. Sadly enough, this is what I long for from high school. Other people miss their friends and the particular social area of high school. All I want are classes from which I can learn that are simultaneously easy enough that I can take resources away from them and devote them to writing. I wonder if I could take a semester off and write. It seems ludicrous, impossible. And yet the summer looms, tempting. To go on an REU requires extensive resources as both a full time job and again, thinking and perception at night, in addition to the social demands of interacting and being friendly with almost perfect strangers. This summer is an example, though I did plenty of writing and also a large amount of procrastination. part of the problem is that I am, once again, restarting Tbook1, and I am merely at the beginning. This is something akin to the 10th rewrite, and I still don't think I have it right. And the amount of dedication that would have to go into it to MAKE it be write is such a challenge, requires so much in the way of resources, that I cannot hope to accomplish it at this point in time. If only I could just catch up on my homework and studying and then have time to sit around without feeling all pressured and upset... if only, if only. If I do not seize my writing now it will continue to drift away. My abilities will fade, my creativity will stagnate, my own few nuances of skill will whither all unused. ... *sigh*... why do I have to care about grades so much? because you didn't the first semester and that fscked you up for the long while to come; because if you don't you won't get into grad school, won't complete your education, won't become Dr. [last name] like you want, won't achieve anything, won't make any money, won't be able to do all the good things you've dreamed about, won't avoid disappointing all the people you don't want to disappoint, yes this is a big and important thing to you, you can't deny it, won't beat down stereotypes about women in science, won't feel accomplished, won't one up those school kids, won't achieve, won't be, won't be, won't be... .... great. Guess I'll go work on the damned lit paper for some more tonight. |
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My Other Writing Sites | |
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Webcomics | |
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Stories I'm currently working on. | |
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***Tbook1 (Time and Chaos, needs a new name, needs to be edited) ***Book of Sun (Just needs to be edited. Tis a Nano novel) ***Book of Whispers part 1 (Does not jive at all with part 2; needs to be rewritten to fit and to have less suckage) ***Book of Whispers part 2 (Needs some rehaul editing, needs some loose ends tied up, needs to fit) ***Book of Whispers part 3 (Needs to be finished... then needs to die o.o Not sure if I need a third part in the series) ***Dium's Story (Needs a point, progress, anything... needs to be integrated into Tbook1, since that is what it is a part of, mainly) ***Trio Story with Jackie and Louise (Maybe we should get together and work on this, guys) ***Demon Story (This is working out pretty good so far. I like the plot, it's a bit convoluted, and the characters are interesting) ***New Witch Story (It's only 30 pages long, dang) ***Dragon's Voices (This has SO much potential! wee!) | |
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